One month ago, I made the strange and awkward decision to read Twilight. I spoke of this decision to my friends and some random strangers, and I got mixed reactions. Some people laughed. Some said, “Well, of course, you still like *NSYNC, why wouldn’t you read Twilight?” Most people just stared at me with a confused look on their faces. “Why?” they’d finally ask, their minds completely void of any reason I could possibly have for reading Twilight. Why? Because I am a writer, friends. And writers have to read. And not only do they have to read, but they have to read both good and bad stuff. Bad stuff teaches us how to not be bad, you know? Plus, bad stuff is usually entertaining.
And boy, was this ever bad.
The book started off tamely enough, relatively speaking. “I’d never given much thought to how I would die”, etc. Even still, I immediately had to stop myself from hurling myself across the room just so that I could stop experiencing this book. I hate people who soliloquize before dying. Just shut up and die. When I die, I am going to say the best final five words ever to whoever is listening, and then shut up and die.
And then it began. Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington because she is super selfless and wants her mom to have a happy married life with her new husband. So she moves to this teeny town where everyone knows who she is, and she’s all, “My name is Bella, not Isabella, GEEZ! Then, of course, she meets the vampires.
Now, about the vampires. Stephanie Meyer describes the family of vampires as “beautiful”. And that’s it, pretty much. Sure, there is some vague description of hair colour and the chiseled marble that is Edward’s body, but mostly, it’s just, “Oh, Edward was so beautiful. His face was so beautiful. His eyes were so beautiful. His skin was cold and beautiful. His family was beautiful.” I’m all for simplicity, but HOW ABOUT A MORE SPECIFIC DESCRIPTION? I just kept imagining a nondescript Abercrombie and Fitch model and was sorely disappointed when I watched the movie.
My main issue with the plot of this book is that Edward, who had a meltdown after smelling Bella and left school for a week, came back and was all smiley and happy, and introduced himself, and walked with her, and GOT PERSONAL. He got personal! He freaking pushed Mike away and carried Bella in his arms and saved her from dying via sliding truck, and all of that bullshit, and then he’s all, “We can’t be friends.” Bella is like WTF but because she is shy or whatever, she doesn’t approach him again. And then HE approaches HER! He continues to approach her and follow her around, and then he’s all, “We can’t be friends!! I’m dangerous!” Meanwhile, I’m sitting here, dumbfounded. Why is he following her? Why does he continue to chase after her if only to say, “Stay away from me!” Hello? A girl can’t take that many mixed signals, especially not a girl as dumb as Bella.
Ah, Bella. Good ol’ Bella. This girl is as dumb as a stick. First of all, I have no idea why she likes Edward, and I am pretty sure it’s because (1) he’s hot, and (2) he looked at her like she smelled bad for one week while the other boys fawned over her. Can you say “low self-concept, -identity, and -esteem”? (Probably not five times fast.) But then, after that first week, after Edward had calmed the heck down, he also followed her around. Of course, he followed her around saying that she should stay away from him, so maybe this is all some sort of teenage thing where you tell her one thing and she does the exact opposite. I’m pretty sure her IQ is 5.
And Edward. Why does Edward like Bella? Because she smells delicious? That’s a great basis for a romantic relationship, I tell ya. I’m going to start dating ICE CREAM.
It’s just that nowhere in the book does Meyer detail any common interests that Edward and Bella have, unless you count the common interest Edward and Bella have in Edward. This relationship is built on a foundation of a new “vegetarian” craving “meat”, and so he goes around protecting the meat from death because she is the only kind of meat he likes. But he’s also not going to eat the meat. What the hell is the point of this relationship? I am so confused.
Besides the actual plot of the book, which can have me ranting for hours, the writing itself was okay. My main issue with the writing was that I would sometimes fall asleep in the middle of a chapter because Meyer would be going on for five thousand paragraphs about what Bella ate for breakfast, or which pants she put on in the morning, and why she chose those particular pants, or why she made a particular meal for dinner, or why she listened to a particular CD. These details contributed nothing to the plot and did nothing to progress the story. And when was this book written? Apparently, in her room, Bella has a computer so old that she has to wait 20 minutes for it to start and then use dial-up to get to the Internet. I get that Forks is a small town, really, but it’s in freaking Washington, not on Abydos. Get a freaking new computer!
Also, I know I already said that Bella is dumb, but why is she so dumb? The girl almost dies, and then she’s all, “But I don’t care! I love you!” Why? I just… I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. She is in a hospital with zero consciousness for days, and she finally wakes up and asks Edward to turn her into a vampire. Um? Where are your priorities? Don’t you care about insurance?
But I don’t want to end on a bad note. The writing itself had no blatant grammatical errors that made me want to slam my head into a wall, and I did stick it out for the entire book, and the final sentence did have me on the edge of my seat, and now I will read the next book, and the entire series. So, yes. The plot is ridiculous, but Meyer sold it. I am impressed. Good writers are able to sell anything, and Meyer was able to get 13-year-old weirdo girls to suspend disbelief long enough for the book to spend weeks and weeks on the #1 spot on the New York Times Best-Seller List. Wow. Every writer’s dream.
Oh my god, you guys. I just read that Meyer graduated with a degree in English from Brigham Young University. That explains so much, you have no idea.
PS: One of these days, I am going to review Twilight here. Probably. But most likely not, since I’m absolutely nauseated by the fandom at this point in time.
